How You Respond is Your Response-Ability
Developing good communication skills starts with self-awareness.
Being able to communicate our needs is an empowering skill, but for many of us, it can feel uncomfortable or scary, or we may not even know what we truly want or need to communicate about ourselves. Part of the difficulty in being able to communicate our wants and needs is that our attention may be focused on the wrong person. So often, we get caught up thinking about other people’s thoughts (e.g. “what do they think of me?”), feelings (e.g. “I wonder how they feel about me?”) and actions (e.g. “I can’t believe they did that to me”), that we don’t take the time to think about our own thoughts, feelings and actions, and consequently, we are less able to communicate our point of view. This can lead to false expectations and assumptions, and ultimately miscommunications in relationships.
As described in the previous journal article, every one of us have different belief systems and perspectives on life, which are influenced by our life experiences and will influence the way we feel about and interpret any situation. Therefore, we can never really know what it is like to live in somebody else’s shoes and vice versa, meaning we cannot truly know what other people are thinking or feeling, including the intentions behind their actions, nor can we expect people to know exactly our thoughts and feelings about a situation. At best, we can try to understand someone by asking them questions about their experience and to listen to them with an open and non-judgmental mindset. We do not have to agree with what the person says, but we can acknowledge that this is their perception of the situation. In turn, it is our responsibility to be able to communicate our point of view as clearly as we can.
All we have control over is planting seeds of our point of view in other people’s mind. We do not have control over making the person accept the seed, nurture the seed or making the seed grow. Each one of us can only control the seeds within ourselves, and we get to pick and choose which seed we want to cultivate. What this means is that we do not have control over how the other person responds or reacts to what you say, but you have control over is realising which perspective is true for you and understanding why it is so, being able to communicate your point of view and how you choose to respond to the other person’s response once you have expressed your point of view. This practice can be difficult because for so long we have been conditioned to rely on other people’s validation of us, whether it be through their words or actions, for us to feel good enough, important, needed, loveable, likeable, and so on. As children, we often get praised by authoritative figures, such as parents and teachers, if we can do as we are told, and get punished if we don’t do as we are told or as “expected” of us. As a result, many of us grow up to believe that our worthiness is dependent on other people’s feelings and thoughts about ourselves or whether they agree with your point of view or not. Problems that can arise as result of attempting to control someone else’s perspective or feelings, include:
People pleasing tendencies
Chronic blaming of other people and not being able to take accountability for your part in the problem
Spending too much time trying to prove that your point of view is the “right” point of view
Miscommunication
Disagreements
Manipulation
Arguments that never seem to be resolved
Feelings of anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, anxiety, irritability, confusion…
It is important to understand that when we choose to express our point of view, we are not in control of whether that person will understand or support us in response. What we are in control of is how we choose to respond to their response. How we choose to respond is our responsibility (response-ability). Here are some self-reflective questions that can help with your response-ability:
- Have I been able to explain to the person that they have misunderstood what I have said and is there a way I can communicate my point of view more clearly?
- How am I feeling about myself and the other person in this situation? Why do I feel that way?
- Why do I believe that my point of view is the only or “right” point of view?
- What about me is having a hard time understanding the other person’s point of view?
- Am I able to choose to agree to disagree, and if not, what about my thinking patterns makes this difficult to do?
- Is this a relationship I feel is worth continuing given the lack of understanding? If yes, what are the reasons why? If no, what are the reasons why?
It is up to each person to choose which seeds they would like to nurture and make grow and the best we can do is support the other person in that process. Support does not mean directing people on what they should or should not do, but rather, it involves showing that you can acknowledge and respect their thoughts and feelings and show them that you care even though you may not necessarily agree or understand their perspective. Your response-ability is to focus on the seeds within you that you want to cultivate.